Thanks to everyone who participated in last month’s poll! Your most popular spiritual goal for 2025 was “connect more deeply with others.” I’m not surprised. We are relational creatures who need other people for our physical, mental and spiritual well-being. It’s one of our deepest longings, but developing real connection often seems elusive. Our day-to-day interactions can feel superficial and draining. It’s easy to get swept up in other priorities and lose track of the relationships that truly nourish us. In a recent New York Times newsletter, Jancee Dunn reported that allowing relationships to fade was the most common regret among those in hospice care.[1] Setting a goal of connecting more deeply is one way to prevent such regret.
Intentional relationships have long been a tool for spiritual growth. Faith was never meant to be a solo mission. We learn from one another and support each other along the way. One of the chapters in Sacred Balance talks about the ancient practice of Soul Friendship, or anam cara as it’s known in Gaelic. Soul Friendship is an intentional commitment to share your spiritual journey with another person. The wisdom of this deeply rooted practice (and other similar traditions) can now be understood from a neuroscience perspective. There are specific neurons linking empathy, social connection, and learning.[2] Our brains are literally wired to learn and grow best in community.
As we approach Valentine’s Day, the holiday of love and relationships, how might we work toward this goal of connecting deeply with others? Can we express our appreciation in more sincere terms than candy heart cliches? Can we look beyond the flowers and chocolate to truly know the people we value most? It's no easy task. Developing deeper relationships takes time and intentionality. It requires honesty, openness, and courage. You may not know where to start, but it doesn’t have to be overly complicated. Here are a few simple activities you can try to help deepen your relationships:
Write a note of appreciation to someone, listing the specific qualities you appreciate about them. Handwritten cards provide a nice tangible reminder for the recipient, but an email or text can be just as meaningful.
Invite a friend to join you in a favorite activity. Teach them about one of your hobbies or take them to a new restaurant. Use the time to enjoy one another’s company and learn about each other’s interests.
Reach out to a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Send a text, write an email, or call them up and let them know you’re thinking about them.
Engage your curiosity to get to know someone better. Ask a friend to share a favorite memory from their childhood. Start a conversation with someone about values and what motivates them. Inquire about how a coworker ended up in your field of work. Ask follow-up questions and be willing to share some of your own story if they ask.
[1] Dunn, Jancee. "3 Lessons for Living Well, From the Dying." The New York Times, January 31, 2025. https://www.nytimes.com/newsletter/1755778f-ea28-5e4e-863c-c936dc94b844.
[2] Lea Winerman, "The Mind's Mirror: A New Type of Neuron—Called a Mirror Neuron—Could Help Explain How We Learn Through Mimicry and Why We Empathize with Others," American Psychological Association Monitor 36, no. 9 (October 2005): 48, https://www.apa.org/monitor/oct05/mirror.
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