November 2025

Someone recently asked if the spiritual practices I write about help us get rid of negative emotions. I often highlight the positive benefits of joy, connection, and gratitude these practices can bring, but the question gave me pause.  It helped me to clarify an important point: mental well-being is not defined by the absence of painful emotions. As much as we’d all like to be happier, it’s not realistic to live without sadness, anger, or fear.  Pushing away our painful emotions isn’t effective.  They tend to bottle up inside and then leak out in inconvenient ways.  And as the movie Inside Out taught us, even our less pleasant emotions play an important role in our lives.  It’s important to acknowledge and accept them.   

And, at the same time, there is a difference between acknowledging something and wallowing in it. Fear and grief can feel like black holes pulling us deeper into the pain. It doesn’t always serve us to give in to that gravity.  At some point, we need to shift our focus to the good things that keep us going.  It’s a delicate balance of creating space for the pain without letting it overwhelm us completely.  This balance is the core of my work as a chaplain.  In moments of distress, my role is to hold space—to listen without judgment and without rushing in to try to fix things.  And when things get caught in an endless loop of negativity, my role can be gently shining a light on the hope and joy that are available.

My perspective on chaplaincy has been deeply influenced by participating in the hospital’s Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) program.  I was drawn to DBT because of its core principle: two seemingly opposite perspectives can both be true.  We can accept our emotions just as they are and work to change them. It resonated with my theological training about God’s grace.  God loves and accepts us unconditionally, and God challenges us to grow and change for the better.  This principle has infused nearly every aspect of my life.  As I ride the roller coaster of parenting, I try to recognize that love and acceptance are what my children need to learn and grow.  In my personal struggles with anxiety and depression I seek a balance of self-compassion and active coping skills.  And when I’m tempted to bury my head in the sand to avoid the heart-breaking news headlines, I remember that I need to acknowledge the pain. I need to accept that the suffering is real so that I can find ways to move forward.  This is where spiritual practices help me.  They don’t get rid of the difficult emotions, but they provide a pathway through them toward a broader perspective—one that has room joy and hope and gratitude as well.

There’s a simple exercise we use in DBT groups to increase our capacity for thinking dialectically.  It involves responding to a statement with an opposite that is also true.  For example, “It’s not my fault that I’m in this situation, and it’s my responsibility to find a way out of it.”  The following prayer is based on that exercise.  May it help you hold space for your pain without losing sight of your hope.

A Dialectical Prayer

Dear God,

The world is full of pain, and there is beauty and joy.

I feel so alone, and there are people who love me.

I am terrified, and I can act with courage.

My anger feels overwhelming, and I choose compassion.

Others have hurt me deeply, and they are wounded too.

I’m only one small person, and my choices make a difference.

I’ve made many mistakes, and I am doing the best that I can.

I don’t live up to expectations, and I am enough.

I have so many questions, and I walk in faith.

Amen.